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Remembering: February 16th, 2009
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
This was Elizabeth's night. She had stayed with me the night before and I decided she would spend this night in Auburn with Dad. I knew what was going to happen for the rest of Dad's days and nights. I was going to take care of him, and do whatever I could to bring him comfort. But this night was Elizabeth's responsibility.
I realize now my reasoning was selfish. I knew once I went back to his house, it would be for good. I wanted her to know first hand what I would go through with him. I had hoped it would show her that she could be there for Dad, that it wasn't too late.
I had already labeled Dad's medication based on what symptoms it would alleviate. Red for pain, yellow for nausea, blue for swelling, green for sleeplessness. I made a list of when he could have what medications, and which ones required food. And then I drove home.
My sister was scared, and I knew it. But I had been scared for two years. I wanted to be able to say that I made her try, that I gave her every opportunity. I also think I wanted to give Dad and chance to say anything to her that maybe he couldn't say in front of me. I set the bar pretty high for my sister, and I know it isn't fun trying to live in someone's shadow.
She called multiple times that night, checking dosages and rechecking which ones he could take. I may have got more sleep that night had I been there. But that wasn't the point. I knew the next however many days Dad would be with us would be my responsibility. She needed to feel a small amount of my burden.
What my sister got from that night, I don't know. I've never asked.
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