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In the News
Remembering: Hospital visits
Monday, January 25, 2010
I was driving to the hospital to see Dad about every other night during late January and early Febuary. Highway 316 became the bane of my existence, filled with drivers that were apparently hoping to try out for Nascar soon. Luckily, Gwinnett Medical Center was right off 316 so I didn't have to drive into Atlanta. I wonder sometimes if Dad didn't go to GMC (and buy his house nearby) knowing how much I hated to drive in Altanta. He always laughed when I explained the fear I felt the minute my tires hit I-85.
Dad had always been a fast driver. I remember when I was 8 or 9 and Dad had an hour and fifteen minutes to get me from Warner Robins to the airport(a 2 hour drive with no traffic). We made it with 5 mintues to spare! I don't remember much from beyond the first minute when I looked at the speedometer and saw it well over 100mph. But that was Dad, living the fast life! Sometimes, when I'm speeding in his Durango, I think maybe he is there egging me on.
When I arrived at the hopsital, it was never somber. I approached it more like a secretary, asking the doctors and nurses for read out numbers and lists of who which tests would be done that day. I know Dad appreaciated it because he always smiled when I began my sentances with: Question....
Sometimes it was a little sad, when the news wasn't good. I remember one moment in particular, when I realized that even if Dad got out of the hospital, he wasn't going to be ok. After several specialists came and went, spouting off their concerns and explaining how we had to wait and see, I decided to corner a doctor outside of Dad's room. I was prepared to force answers out of him, but he was more than willing to answer my questions. Too scared to ask if my Dad was in fact dying, I asked they only question I really wanted the answer to: When can he go home? As the doctor looked through the chart to get a better idea, I saw 3 words that instantly brought tears to my eyes:
Prognosis is Poor
I don't really remember what the doctor said after that. I went to the hallway and collected myself before going in Dad's room. I was not going to burden him with my sadness, they would be time later for tears. Plenty of time...
Dad kept his spirits up though, and that made it easier. He loved to make himself laugh, usually at my expense. If he wasn't making fun of my granny Ga, he was giggling at my "hippie" shoes (they were mocasins!). I was always amazed how strong my Dad could be. So here is a picture of Dad, smiling!
We recently bought our first home. With the economy, we were fortunate enough to have quite a few options about where we wanted to live. Ultimately, I convinced my husband we needed to live away from town, in the country. I based my decision more on the house than the location. While I could go into detail about crown molding and other such accoutrements, I would rather talk about one of the unexpected bonuses of living where I do: the scenery. In Fall, I witnessed the most beautiful landscapes as the leaves changed from being green with life, to decaying yellow, and then deadly brown. But, it was beautiful.
In winter, the barren trees against the blue sky makes for a very picturesque drive. I enjoy starting my day by watching the sun slowly rise outside my bedroom window. Taking our girls out has become more of a treat rather than a chore (except when its cold and rainey). With a little over 2 acres for them to frolic in, I have no doubt they appreciate our choice in where to live as much as we do. If only they would pitch in on the mortage!
We witnessed our first true thunderstorm within a few weeks of moving in. The sky was completely dark, and then sudden flashes of white light would fill the sky and almost blind our eyes. To see the raw power of nature like that was nothing short of amazing. There were no building to obstruct our view, no traffic sounds to dull the sound, it was just us and the storm. Here is the video:
While I think you can make any place your home, ours is exactly what we never knew we always wanted.
I don't have a snappy title for this project, for now I'll call it Remembering. Maybe I will have something better by the end. As I approach a year since my Dad passed away, I have decided to reflect on what happened the days leading up to his death. This is meant as therapy for me. If it appears as though I am making light of a situation, know that I am processing. Some of this will hurt, but there were so many moments worth remembering. We define our lives in timed moments, anniversaries are lines we have drawn in the sand. I plan to make my own art from this. We are the keepers of the memories of the dead, and as Dad's person I have an obligation to remember.
I hope to draw strength from this project. It sounds simple, but nothing could be more complicated.
January 20th, 2009:
I was celebrating when the phone rang. I had been watching the Innaguration and as a historian and Democrat, I was terribly excited. I saw the 3 letters that meant I had to answer immediatly: Dad. I tried to ask if he was watching as well but his voice had purpose, information to give. I could tell by his tone that the news wasn't good. That tone would stay with him. I am no doctor, but I understood all too well the weight of his words.
Dad explained that the doctor had confirmed that the liver was having major issues as a result of the spreading cancer. This was a blow to Dad's hopes of starting chemo again soon. When he was originally diagnosed in Spring 2007, the doctors always said that if we can get the liver healthy, he has a chance. After almost 22 months of doctor visits, chemotherapy (sometimes once a week), and prayers we were facing the reality that some battles can't be won.
In his usual way, Dad brushed off the concerns I had about what this meant explaining that right now he needed to rest. As I hung up the phone, I had a strange feeling. It was almost like this wasn't my life. I channeled my nervous energy into preparing to be out of work for a few days to see Dad. I wanted to call my sister but Dad had explained that even if she answered, we really didn't have any specifics to give her. While I disagreed, it was his decision. This would become a trend, Dad and I disagreeing about what to tell people. In the end, I always did what he asked. It was the least I could do.
Dad went to the Emergency Room later that night, hoping they would attemt putting liver stints in sooner rather than later. This was classic Dad, not settling for anything less then what he thought was best. I think that is why he fought for so long; he simply loved life. This was the beginning of almost 2 weeks of Dad going in and out of the hospital. It was also the begining of the end of my hope that he would beat his cancer.
On a brighter note, my husband sent me this picture that day. It was the littlest of things that meant so much.
In this series, I discuss how everyday items may help save you during the Zombie invasion. Although when it comes to zombies, I make no promises!
What should you bring this time?
Your iPhone.
In order for this to work, I must first dispel a few myths and make some broad assumptions. But in predicting the zombie apocalypse, I feel like I can take a few liberties!
First, don't assume in the chaos that all connectivity will be down. Yes, some networks may be unavailable but unless the undead decide they want to take down some towers, we should be ok. In larger cities there will be much more destruction but, being in a large city means certain undeath no matter what.
Another assumption we must make is that what remains of the government will not take over the networks for their own communications. If this does happen, we are likely s.o.l. anyway.
Why choose the iPhone? Besides the obvious option of being able to call someone, there are many things the iPhone can do that makes it worth having. Here are a few apps that you will definetly need:
Facebook: You can update your status, explaining where you are hiding, what supplies you have etc etc.
Twitter: Twitter would be great for coordinates, which is about all you will have time for!
Compass: You should always know which way you are going :)
Maps: This application is probably one of the most important you have. It will guide you through the dangerous streets, possibly even pinpointing other iPhones in the area.
Don't forget the very best part about the iPhone, it's an ipod too! Sometimes you just need a little music to calm yourself down. And frankly, if I am dealing with vanquishing the undead, I want to jam to some "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie! Just remember that playing music saps battery life.
There are downsides of depending on your iPhone for survival and they are looming. First, you will need constant electricity and that may prove very difficult. We all know at its best, an iPhone only holds a charge for about 36 hours. You could adjust settings like your sound and brightness for maximum efficiency.
Second, the iPhone is very fragile and may not fare well in an environment with lots of running, hiding, skirting, shooting and crying.
Finally, and this one is probably the most dangerous concern, someone without one may just take it. We all know that some people only care about themselves in the current urban jungle. This lack of compassion would only become worse with zombies amoung us.
This brings up a question that would only be asked in such dire circumstances. An iPhone will be a rare commodity, what would you trade it for? Many a psychologist has considered the connection of technology to the psyche and I doubt they would have an answer. When you have run away from everything and probably everyone you have ever known, would you trade away your last connection to the world you have known?
To stay safe during the zombie scourge, have your iPhone fully charged, loaded with useful apps and tunes, and you may just make it.
I have always felt a deep connection to music. Some melodies and cords seem to reverberate in the depths of my soul, uncovering my inner self. Exposing my vulnerabilities and inspiring me all with one simple verse. I find I can use songs to gain a better perspective on my life. The artists themselves rarely interest me, it is their creation I am consumed with. Some songs I must play over and over again until I can sense the sound before I hear it. It's a very organic and cleansing experience. One song can change my mood from frustrated to calm; content to sorrowful. So powerful is my connection to some songs that I can listen to them and travel back to where I was at that moment in my life. Bush's "Glycerine" infers my pre-teen angst and how easily I could fall in love, and be hurt. Jewel's "Carnivore" is a bittersweet reminder that if I am not careful, I can break someone. Coheed and Cambria's "Everything Evil" is accompanied with my friend Alex and how he helped me rediscover my love for music in all forms. Mazzy Star's "Wild Horses" helped me define myself as a woman, and it was the first song I danced to with my husband. Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" will forever memorialize me as daddy's little girl. There are times in my life when music has played a less imperative role. And as I remember them, I realized that these are the times I was most lost. The more recent being the months after my Dad passed. There was an emptiness in me that went beyond my mourning. I still can't listen to an entire Sarah McLaughlin song and I don't think I ever care to hear "Dust in the Wind" again. But one day, I found my muse again and I was settled. Music has been my Sherpa of life, and I am thankful. Maybe my love for music stems from an instinctual need to relate to others in my species. Possibly, it is a marketing tool designed to elicit a systematic response to sound-language combinations. Either way, my life is now and may always be defined by music.
There is reason to believe that this year will be better than the last. You can measure your constitution by how you have decided to face your life. Being a positive person, I have chosen to be excited about the new year! Why? Here are a few reasons: 1. I will NOT move this year! I moved twice last year and it was horrible! 2. I WILL go to Europe this year. I have never traveled out of these United States and that is something I plan to change in 2010. 3. I WILL have a garden this year! We have never lived in a large enough space to have a garden and it is something I have always wanted to try. With 2 acres, you better believe I will have some fresh veggies to munch on! 4. I will NOT get discouraged about my writing. I have a style that makes sense to me and is very therapeutic. I should consider that successful rather than mindless rambling of a 20-something with no clear direction in her life. 5. I WILL decide between graduate school and ________. Not sure what the blank is yet. That's the fun part! But this will be the year I decide to either commit to further my education or explore a new path. 6. I WILL lose weight. Enough said.
2009 was a year of great sadness and change in my life. But having faced it all, I am excited to see where 2010 takes me.
